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Now I sound like a supreme idiot to keep going on about it. What is the saying Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I guess I feel ashamed that I allow myself to be treated this way. I dont want to talk to these people who love, support respect me tell them all about how I have no self respect dont love myself cuz thats what it is rightI mean how many times can my friends family give me a sympathetic ear And since I am so sick think I might eventually marry this guy how would that carry over come next Christmas when hes at my family party the all know that he had a girlfriend who he cheated on ultimately left for me I mean, my family friends know him from when we were together originally but stillYes, yes, the affair w the ex boyfriend who has a girlfriend, I posted before if you didnt read it. Chinese Chess Girl Crack on this page. So the latest well, it is so sad And again, I feel ashamed but I know those reading this post will understand. I was stood up 3xs last week by him. On a Thursday when I was going to get off work early, he never called. I had gotten all ready for work waited waited nothing. You ask why I did not call him Well, because I DONT HAVE HIS PHONE NUMBER. He told me that he didnt want to give it to me cuz I would call drunk. To which I replied When I am drunk, I am w other guyz. Which was true a few months ago. But now it is not. You think I would have learned my lesson come Saturday morning but no. Same story, Ill be there 9am. So after waking up early, getting completely ready, trying to look effortlessly beautiful, cleaned my house, made breakfast he didnt show I recieved a call 2, him telling me hed be there later Then another call, hed be there tomorrow 1. I know you waited but Ill be there tomorrow. Sunday morning I was slow in getting up ready and by 1pm let it sink in that he wasnt coming But still had hope for a call or an explaination. Now, I will tell you what happenned next, altho it is another embarrasing story. I went to my balcony, took my boom box started listening to some music. I also took a bottle of wine pack of cigarrettes. By 2 3. 0 I was wasted. So I took a vicodin that I found in my roommates medicine cabinet. What is wrong w me I didnt realize I was in such bad shape over this because I havent really cried about it, or felt the pain. When I start to get upset, I block it out, distract myself, find something to keep my mind off of it but the alcohol took me to the pain. In the midst of the tears I started to cry as sat there in an alcohol induced stupor, my apartment manager came to the balcony She asked me in Spanish which I dont speak but understand Why are you sad I pretended I didnt hear then she said What are you waiting for I dont think she meant it in the same context because she sometimes translates things it doesnt mean the same thing but I said Nothing. And when she left, it all came out What am I waiting for I have been stood up by him many times Even when he was just my asshole boyfriend. I have sat on that balcony before waiting, or on New Years Eve a few years ago waiting for that call to come or for him to show. I would never do that to someone. I would at least call. Let them know I cant make it But nope not him. So, its Monday. And you know how I said before that he calls me on his way to work, on lunch, etc. Well, even though he did not show yesterday I was expecting a call today. I even planned on how I was going to act, play the game. Miss some of his calls, just to keep him on his toes BUT, he hasnt called. Do you want to know whats even better He GAVE me his NUMBER on Friday. But I didnt call. I texted Donde means where in Spanish I kinda hoped she would see it. But if I hoped that really, I would have written more. I wont call. Ill tell you why. I cant deal w even more rejection. If I dont call I wont get that. And he will call eventually. I always know that. Maybe not tomorrow, but eventually. I hope he calls tomorrow, today. I dont understand what happenned. I always imagine, what if something happened to him, I would never know. I feel so numb. Like I can go thru the motions, go to work, laugh, smile, play w my son, do what I got to do BUT deep inside is this empty aching place. I even have other people who want to seedate me. The sweetest boy too. And I keep putting them off becuz of this ache. Am I heartbroken I want to say, since I am done w my rant Emma I am so sorry. I have been there, obviously. And I want you to know this, he will be back. But please, move on, so when he does come back, you will see him w clear eyes, not eyes clouded by love. Know that you will find another, I have to believe we have more than 1 soulmate. I have girlfriends who are like soul sisters, more than 1, so if i can have more than 1 soul sister, why not have more than 1 soul mate It is a blessing in disguise. Please pick up the pieces move forward, as difficult heartwrenching as it might be. And when you look back this place, when you are happy settled life is even better than you could have ever imagined, post here again to let us all know. Heartbroken I understand your story SO much. And I was rooting for you and then you gave in. I would have too It is like a dietNo, its like a drug. We get go thru withdrawls, get clean, only to relapse. I hope it has gotten better for you. If you have stayed in or tried to walk away. Remember, you are not alone. As lonely as you may feel. And know, you are beautiful someday everything will work out as it should be. And I dont necessarily mean w him, but in life. Practicing I REALLY want to know what happenned. You gave him the note he has till the end of the month what was his reactionDo you think you are going to be the 1 that will give us all hope here Please let us know. Until then, all the best to everyone who comes here to share. Thank you for allowing me to share.